The Oscars happened a couple nights ago, which meant that I was on my couch watching The Simpsons.

As you may know, the types of films that tend to get Oscar nominations and awards are usually not the types in which I partake. Nevertheless, I have seen a few Oscar-nominated films (and a few award winning ones), so allow me to provide my expert insight on them.

To make things more fun, I decided not to look up any of these films and review them based purely on memory (or the titles).

Starting in the year I was born...

1989
Nominations: Driving Miss Daisy, Born on the Fourth of July, Dead Poets Society, Field of Dreams, My Left Foot
Winner: Driving Miss Daisy

I actually have never seen any of these movies (well, I've seen the important parts of Field of Dreams but never the whole thing). Wasn't Driving Miss Daisy about an old white woman who was really racist towards her black driver? Apparently it was a lot of laughs.

1990
Nominations: Dances with Wolves, Awakenings, Ghost, The Godfather Part III, Goodfellas
Winner: Dances with Wolves

Again, I've never seen any of these. Looks like two mob-esque movies made the list, but the winner was apparently some nature documentary about people who tried to teach wolves to dance. I'm no wolf expert but that seems like a bad idea.

1991
Nominations: The Silence of the Lambs, Beauty and the Beast, Bugsy, JFK, The Prince of Tides
Winner:  The Silence of the Lambs

Alright, I've finally seen one of these movies! And that movie is, of course, Beauty and the Beast. Not my favorite Disney film but cool that it got nominated (animated films, no matter how good, will never win an Oscar). I never got around to seeing The Silence of the Lambs but it was apparently about some crazy psychos who like to kill people. If I wanted to see that I'd just watch the news.

1992
Nominations: Unforgiven, The Crying Game, A Few Good Men, Howards End, Scent of a Woman
Winner: Unforgiven

Other than A Few Good Men, I've never even heard of any of these movies. I've never seen A Few Good Men all the way through...actually I've just seen the beginning part on TV where the guys spin the rifles and stuff. I can't handle the truth.

1993
Nominations: Schindler's List, The Fugitive, In the Name of the Father, The Piano, The Remains of the Day
Winner: Schindler's List

So, I've actually seen Schindler's List. It's a powerful movie about a rich guy who helped a lot of Jewish people during the Holocaust, so naturally no other movie on this list had any chance. That said, it's kind of a snoozer. Aside from the difficult-to-watch parts in the concentration camps, it's really just a lot of dry dialogue. And I know shooting it mostly in black-and-white was an "artistic choice", but come on Steven, it's 1993 and film looks better in color. 

Also, well before I saw the film, I saw the Seinfeld episode where Newman rats out Jerry for making out with his date while watching the movie in a theater. So, the entire time I was watching it all I could think about was Jerry's mom screaming "you were MAKING OUT during SCHINDLER'S LIST?!!!" So that kinda ruined any emotional response I would have had for the movie.

Now, The Fugitive, on the other hand, is a pretty amazing movie where Harrison Ford does some really impossible things to avoid being caught by Tommy Lee Jones and eventually prove that he didn't kill his wife. If I had an anonymous vote I would have given it to The Fugitive.

It's a shame Jurassic Park didn't get nominated, because it's arguably the best movie of all time (up there with Top Gun).

1994
Nominations: Forrest Gump, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Pulp Fiction, Quiz Show, The Shawshank Redemption
Winner: Forrest Gump

Apparently this was a controversial year for people who care about quality films more than I do. The reason is because Forrest Gump won the Oscar and a lot of people think either Pulp Fiction or The Shawshank Redemption would have been better choices.

I haven't seen either of the latter films (realized while writing this that I am really losing man points), but I thought Forrest Gump was an amazing movie and think the Oscar people got one right this time (it's a rare occurrence).

1995
Nominations: Braveheart, Apollo 13, Babe, Il Postino: The Postman, Sense and Sensibility
Winner: Braveheart

Wow, I'm really on a roll here, I've seen the past 3 Oscar-winning films! I thought Braveheart was pretty good, not my favorite Mel Gibson movie but worth watching. Kinda long though...

I never actually saw Apollo 13 all the way through, but apparently they make it out okay. I remember seeing Babe when I was a kid, and I remember it being kinda sad. Pretty sure the pig dies...

1996
Nominations: The English Patient, Fargo, Jerry Maguire, Secrets & Lies, Shine
Winner: The English Patient

I've never seen any of these but I can tell you right now that if I saw The English Patient all I would think about would be Elaine from Seinfeld being judged for not liking the movie. So, that's two Oscar-winning films that Seinfeld has ruined for us all...

1997
Nominations: Titanic, As Good as It Gets, The Full Monty, Good Will Hunting, L.A. Confidential
Winner: Titanic

Wow, here's another one that I've actually seen. Oddly enough, I saw Titanic in theaters (and I was like, 7 or 8 at the time). My friend and I thought it would be a cool movie about the ship sinking and not a 3 hour love story. We were mistaken. Our moms weren't counting on the (literally) steamy sex scene. That said I remember weirdly enjoying the movie...lot of things I'm not proud of writing this post.

I thought Good Will Hunting was a good movie, although don't be fooled by the title, there is absolutely no hunting in the entire movie. Just a bunch of Boston accents.

1998
Nominations: Shakespeare in Love, Elizabeth, Life Is Beautiful, Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line
Winner: Shakespeare in Love

The only one of these that I've seen is Saving Private Ryan, and it was pretty good I guess. Tom Hanks blows up a tank with a handgun (actually a bomb from a P-51, but we were led to believe in a moment of hilarity that it was Tom). It's a pretty gory and sad movie, so if you're into that kinda stuff then you'll love it.

1999
Nominations: American Beauty, The Cider House Rules, The Green Mile, The Insider, The Sixth Sense
Winner: American Beauty 

I never saw The Green Mile or The Sixth Sense, but I actually did see American Beauty. It's a pretty weird and awful movie about a deranged dad (Kevin Spacey) who rejects his comfortable suburban life. How it won an Oscar is beyond me. The only good part is when the girl from American Pie shows her boobies.

2000
Nominations: Gladiator, Chocolat, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Erin Brockovich, Traffic
Winner: Gladiator

Dang, I never actually saw Gladiator...or any of these other movies.

Why would they make a movie about Traffic? Traffic sucks, I don't need a movie to tell me that.

2001
Nominations: A Beautiful Mind, Gosford Park, In the Bedroom, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Moulin Rouge!
Winner: A Beautiful Mind

I liked A Beautiful Mind because it glorifies an insane guy who is good at math...

I actually did see the first Lord of the Rings in theaters, and in theory it should be a movie that I like, but I just wasn't feeling it at the time. Maybe I'd like it if I saw it now.

2002
Nominations: Chicago, Gangs of New York, The Hours, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The Pianist
Winner: Chicago

I haven't seen any of these, but what I can see is that The Lord of the Rings is 0-2, better luck next year. Apparently some documentary about a major American city won...yawn.

2003
Nominations: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Lost in Translation, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, Mystic River, Seabiscuit
Winner: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Hey, The Lord of the Rings finally won one! Third time's the charm. I also haven't seen any of these movies.

2004
Nominations: Million Dollar Baby, The Aviator, Finding Neverland, Ray, Sideways
Winner: Million Dollar Baby

I think Million Dollar Baby was about a girl boxer or something, but the first thing that popped into my head when I heard the title was like a Look Who's Talking film with a rich baby who goes on whacky adventures. That seems like a better movie.

I've seen bits of The Aviator and thought it was cool, gotta love an insane pilot/entrepreneur. I also saw the first part of Ray in a dollar theater but about 1/4 of the way through the film literally caught on fire and and they just gave us our money back. So that was a good time.

2005
Nominations: Crash, Brokeback Mountain, Capote, Good Night, and Good Luck, Munich
Winner: Crash

I haven't seen any of these, but I think it's funny that the gay cowboy movie lost to a movie that no one has seen or heard of.

That said I think I actually did see parts of Crash on TV one time. It was...weird.

2006
Nominations: The Departed, Babel, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, The Queen
Winner: The Departed

Technically, I've seen The Departed, but it was on my college visit to Georgia Tech and the guys whose room I was crashing in wanted to stay up and watch it even though I wanted to go to sleep. So I tried falling asleep to the sounds of gunshots and sirens (and not even the ones you hear on a normal night in Atlanta). I remember they all die in the end. Oh yeah, spoiler alert.

I saw Little Miss Sunshine thinking it would be funny. It was not. Not even a little bit. Just weird.

2007
Nominations: No Country for Old Men, Atonement, Juno, Michael Clayton, There Will Be Blood
Winner: No Country for Old Men

This was a big year for me, I actually saw three nominated films, including the winner (I was friends with all the guys who worked at the theater in high school so I didn't pay for movies from 2006-2008).

Like Little Miss Sunshine, I saw Juno thinking it would be funny, and it wasn't. I also saw both No Country for Old Men and Atonement with a girl who liked movies who I was trying to impress. She loved both of them and I hated both of them...so she wasn't impressed (kind of a lose-lose for me).

If you want to watch a murderous psycho walk around west Texas for like 3 hours killing people with some sort of air gun, then knock yourself out with No Country for Old Men. If you want to watch a depressing WWII-era love story, then knock yourself out with Atonement.

2008
Nominations: Slumdog Millionaire, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader
Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Didn't see any of these movies. I'm surprised they made an entire movie about milk...they must have been fans of Mark Rippetoe...

2009
Nominations: The Hurt Locker, Avatar, The Blind Side, District 9, An Education, Inglourious Basterds, Precious, A Serious Man, Up, Up in the Air
Winner: The Hurt Locker

That's a lot of movies, and the only two that I saw were Avatar and Up. I saw Avatar years after it came out, so the whole "it's the same plot as Pocahontas" thing had already been ruined for me. It was kinda meh.

Now, Up was a great movie and should have won the Oscar, but as I said earlier, animated films can't win an Oscar because racism.

2010
Nominations: The King's Speech, 127 Hours, Black Swan, The Fighter, Inception, The Kids Are All Right, The Social Network, Toy Story 3, True Grit, Winter's Bone
Winner: The King's Speech

Why did all of the sudden like 10 movies start being nominated for Oscars? Let's see, I saw Black Swan (decent lesbian sex scene, rest of the movie is forgettable). I thought Inception was good, really plays with your mind. I should really see it again because I bet it makes more sense the second time around. Toy Story 3 was, of course, fantastic, but again with the whole "animated films can't win an Oscar."

2011
Nominations: The Artist, The Descendants, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Help, Hugo, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, War Horse
Winner: The Artist

Of all these movies, the only one I saw was Midnight in Paris, and I really liked it. Sort of reminded me of my favorite Twilight Zone episode.

2012
Nominations: Argo, Amour, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Django Unchained, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, Zero Dark Thirty
Winner: Argo

The only one of these that I saw was Zero Dark Thirty. I was expecting it to be a fast-paced action movie about a good old-fashioned terrorist smack-down, but instead like the first 3/4 of it was just about this girl who apparently did all the work to find Bin Laden. I was also surprised when I saw Chris Pratt as the main Navy Seal guy. I was like "whoa, what's Andy Dwyer doing trying to act like a badass?" But he pulled it off pretty well, both in this movie and Jurassic World.

2013
Nominations: 12 Years a Slave, American Hustle, Captain Phillips, Dallas Buyers Club, Gravity, Her, Nebraska, Philomena, The Wolf of Wall Street
Winner: 12 Years a Slave

I think this may be the only Oscar ceremony that I've actually watched (my girlfriend at the time made me). I didn't even know who the nominees were, but when they listed them I was like "I've never heard of 12 Years a Slave, but I bet it wins because everyone wants to show how not-racist they are." Sure enough, I was right.

The only one of those movies I saw was Gravity, and it was some pretty good edge-of-your-seat action and suspense. Made me want to be an astronaut.

2014
Nominations: Birdman, American Sniper, Boyhood, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Imitation Game, Selma, The Theory of Everything, Whiplash
Winner: Birdman

I meant to see American Sniper but never got around to it...and I never saw anything else on this list either. I guess some movie about a guy dressed up as a bird won (not the best superhero idea ever).

2015
Nominations: Spotlight, The Big Short, Bridge of Spies, Brooklyn, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Martian, The Revenant, Room
Winner: Spotlight

I thought that The Martian and Mad Max looked cool, but didn't see either of them. This was the year that Leo finally won the Best Actor award, but The Revenant lost to the one about Catholic priests molesting little boys. Guess the whole "let's only use natural light to film this" idea was perhaps unnecessary for The Revenant...maybe they should have used.......................
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spotlights!

Don't worry this post is almost over.

2016
Nominations: Moonlight, Arrival, Fences, Hacksaw Ridge, Hell or High Water, Hidden Figures, La La Land, Lion, Manchester by the Sea
Winner: Moonlight

As is to be expected, I didn't see any of these, but apparently a lot of people liked La La Land. I didn't see it because if I wanted to see a musical I would just..wait, I don't ever want to see a musical. But I heard it was like a movie "for actors, by actors" so that gave it a pretty good chance considering movies that appeal to actors and the entertainment industry as a whole tend to do well in these things. Instead, the movie that I heard was about two gay black guys won, so the voters were playing the ole "look how not racist we are" card again. Of course, that same card would have worked with Hidden Figures as well, so I guess gay/minority trumps women/minority.

Interesting fact: moonlight doesn't really exist, it's just sunlight that's reflected off the moon.

In other news, I think I should try my hand at making one of these Oscar-winning films. So stayed tuned for my original screenplay about an old Asian-American woman who overcomes adversity to fulfill her lifelong dream of being a NASCAR driver. In the process, she wins the hearts of the crowd at the Daytona 500.

 

Well, 27 years of movies is quite a lot.

You're welcome, movie snobs.